I have moved (my blog that is)

I will no longer be posting anything new on this blog. I will leave it live for those wishing to learn about the adoption process since that's what my original intention was.

You may find me posting on my new blog called Beyond Infertility.

I will still receive email notification if you comment on this blog and I will respond as needed.

Thanks to everyone for your support and love during the life of this blog.

I wish you all the best.

Love,
Julie

end of our journey

It is with great regret that I write to let you know we had our final FET on Nov. 4 and it failed.


After doing some research, I asked the lab if we could "grow" our 3-day embryos to 5-day embryos to improve our chances. The lab director agreed that this could show who the best/healthiest embryos are.

We thawed all ten remaining embryos. Nine survived.

We "challenged" the nine 3-day embryos to 5 days. Two of them grew to blastocysts and and showed improved quality. One made it to the Morula stage (nearly blastocyst). So we transferred three.

We donated the six remaining embryos to our lab for research, with the blessing of the donors.

I was in a lot of pain during the 2ww. Our RE said that was HOPEFULLY a sign that my uterus was adjusting to the embryos implanting. I dreampt that all three split and I was pregnant with SIX!!!

Friday, Nov. 19 the sever pain landed me in the local ER where they determined I have a hemorrhagic cyst that is about 2.5" big. It is the least life-threatening type, but the most painful. Leave it to me. They think it might have been caused by the Lupron and/or hormones I was on, but there is really no way of knowing.

I was in bed for the next 10 days, but had to return to work on Monday, Nov. 29 due to lack of paid leave. The doctor's aren't sure how long this cyct will last. Yesterday the doctor told me "weeks" but it's already bee WEEKS! I am on pain medication.

Maybe the pain is a blessing, it's kept my mind off the fact that we are now faced with a life without children, something neither of us want.

We are brokenhearted beyond words. How can this be? 11+ years and we end up without any children? Life just seems so incredibly, incredibly unfair.

five holes in my heart

I've had three miscarriages.

I've had other failed IVF treatments.

But nothing could prepare me for a failed FET.

They were already embryos. Two embryos.

I now feel the loss of five children.

Five of my children. Gone. Just gone.

How does one overcome such a loss?

when infertility strikes

Although infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an intergenerational crisis that has the ability to strain, even damage, family relationships over time by impairing communications and interactions. Invisible losses, such as miscarriages, failed medical treatments, or adoptions gone awry, may highlight a family's inadequate means of dealing with problems . . .

Read more . . .

anniversary

Tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary.

For 11 of 14 years we have been trying to have a baby or adopt a child. As my husband says, we have spent so much time and energy on trying to have children, it has been our second job for 11 years.

Ironically, one of the things that first attracted me to my husband when I met him in Paris in 1995 was the way he talked about his niece. I remember he showed me a Planet Hollywood glass with glitter inside it that he'd bought for her. He missed her a lot and talked about her all the time.

After our recent loss, I have tried to figure out what it is I'm feeling. I've reflected on our 11-year journey to have a family. It was August 11 years ago that we decided to start our family. We were so excited. So full of hope and optimism. Go off the pill in August and be pregnant by the end of the year we figured...

That was 11 years ago, three miscarriages ago, two embryos ago, 10s of 1,000s of dollars ago. . .

Every month for 11 years we've hoped to be pregnant, but it's been month after month, year after year of heartbreak and disappointment.

That's what it means to be infertile, heartbreak after heartbreak.

Today I can hardly see a family on TV or in Walmart without bursting into tears. Where is my child? Where is my family?

We'd planned to go to Paris (where we met) to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary, and then our 10th anniversary, but we never have. We've spent every penny and every moment trying to have a family, something that seems to come so easy to the rest of the world.

This year we really hoped we'd be celebrating our pregnancy tomorrow. But no, another year has gone by and we are still without child.

I am now hanging on to a thread of hope. Hope that we will still be blessed with a miracle, hope that we will still, some how, some way, have the child we've been waiting and working for, for the past 11 years for.

infertility etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time . . .

Read more . . .

no soliciting!

If you are a doctor or clinic or whatever, please refrain from leaving me comments. I will just trash them. I have a doctor who's opinion I respect, and he is completely familiar with my medical history. Please don't waste your time and mine.

Thank you.

the power of positive thinking

Ok, so, I keep getting asked "what will you do it if doesn't work?"

C'mon people, give me a break.

It IS going to work, I've come to far for it not to.

And what kind of thinking is that anyway? What answer are you expecting me to give you?

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I want it to work, I'm hoping for the best. I just really don't have the time or energy to prepare for the worst, to worry about what if it doesn't work, that just isn't productive for me.

The power of positive thinking.
The power of prayer.

Please, stop asking.
It doesn't help me to force me to think about that.

I remain hopeful.
I remain positive.

eleven years

Eleven years. In August, it will be eleven years that we have been trying to have a family.

1 billion clomid cycles
2 IUIs
5 med-only cycles
3 miscarriages
2 years of trying to adopt

I can't help but think about how my life is about to change. Most of my friends have only known Julie-trying-to-have-a-family. They don't know me any other way.

I've forgotten what normal Julie is like. Eleven years is a long time.

And now I wonder what it will be like to live my life not trying to have a family.

What will it be like to actually have what I've waited eleven years for. What will I be like. I will have a child to totally focus my attention on, so I will have something to do with all the energy and time I've been spending trying to have a family.

There is big change ahead, and I'm excited. I'm ready to get on with my life!

update

I’m happy to report the embryos arrived safely today!

ps to today's first update

I will say one thing, having to wait 4-5 months has given us plenty of time to think about this and talk about it. And we have. And we still feel this is the right thing for us. We feel so blessed to have such awesome donors.

I personally feel that I am getting everything I could have dreamed of. Two years ago I mourned the loss of ever carrying a pregnancy to full term. I will now be blessed with that opportunity and I still cannot believe it. When we turned to adoption, early on we decided we wanted an open adoption because we wanted our children to know where they came from, after talking to several adult adoptees, we realized and appreciated how important it is for people to know where they came from. So we will be able to give our child(ren) the gift of knowing where they came from.

We have had 4+ months to consider our child(ren)'s family tree that will have FOUR main branches, rather than just two.

I take comfort in knowing we are right where we are supposed to be, and I hope what we have been through over the past 11 years will help us to be the best parents we can be.

I do look forward to the day we meet the donors and their children, though I know I'll be a blubbering fool. I have had contact with the donors through email and text messaging and I find myself saying "thank you" A LOT and it just never seems adequate. How do we ever say thank you and convey our deep appreciation for this incredible gift we've been given.

Ok, I've succeeded in making myself cry now, time to go :)

update

Just heard from our lab that the embryos should be here next week - in plenty of time for an August transfer. Yay!

update

Unfortunately, we have been told we've missed a July transfer. This has happened because someone dropped the ball and paperwork did not get where it needed to be in time for us to have a July transfer.

This is beyond frustrating for us.

We have done everything in our power to get things done as quickly as possible, but this is not as important to everyone else as it is to us and the donors.

Whether it is adoption or embryo donation, it has been a difficult lesson to learn that this process is not as important to anyone else as it is to us (except, in our case, we are extremely fortunate to have donors who done everything humanly possible to speed up this process. This process is extremely important to them as well).

I wish someone had told us at the start "you can expect the paperwork portion of this process to take 4–6 months" or something like that, but we were told in March that we'd be able to have an April transfer... then a May transfer.... then June...... then July....... and now August......... It's extremely frustrating to be dependent on other people to follow through.

I want to be here for my child(ren). So each month that slips away now means one less month later in life that I will be here for my kids. People keep saying we are closer to having kids than we've ever been before. But that doesn't comfort me. I want to be pregnant NOW so I can be here as far into the future as possible.

It's so frustrating to have your life and your child's life at the mercy of other people. And I know, it is difficult for people who have not walked in our shoes (tried to have a family for the past 11 years) to understand. I wish they could begin to understand how important this is to us.

And all this is assuming the first transfer works. It could be months before a transfer works and we are pregnant. Time is extremely precious . . . to us.

As with the adoption portion of this blog, it's been my hope that others can learn from our journey, and have a feeling for realistic time lines, among other things.

Time is not on my side.

update

Mailed a mountain of paperwork to our lab today. They will store and handle the embryos.

Ok, NOW I'm getting excited!!!

update

Today I received the finalized legal agreement. Yippy skippy!

Let's hope for smoother sailing ahead!

update

All the t's have been crossed, all the i's dotted. We are now waiting for the final copy of the legal agreement from our attorney.

When we receive that, we send a copy of it to our lab, along with a bunch of other paperwork, a fee for one year of embryo storage and a $900 REFUNDABLE deposit for the dewer (special container) the embryos will be shipped from the west coast to the east coast.

Once our lab is happy they have everything, they will contact the lab on the west coast and make the arrangements to have the embryos shipped!

Our lab director says he hopes we can have a transfer in JULY! Wooo hoooo!!!

Fingers, toes and eyes crossed!!!

this is a marathon, not a sprint

One of our current favorite shows is Gavin and Stacy on BBC America.

Funnily enough, in a recent episode the couple found out they have a problem having children, after trying for over a year. Gavin has low sperm count. As they sit with the doctor who is telling them the news, she tells them to "remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint."

I wish someone had told us that 11 years ago (or even 6 years ago when our problem was finally given a name).

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

These will be my words of advice to anyone who wants to have children and is either waiting to adopt or having ART of some sort. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no rushing, pace yourself.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's what I now tell myself every morning when I get up.

happy thought!

I just remembered!!!

My paternal grandma made me two baby quilts when I was in college! I think they are at my mom's house. I hope they are safe and sound because I'm planning to use them!!!

from NYT

Modern Love
Open Adoption: Not So Simple Math

I WANTED my son to become the kind of person who appreciates the beauty of the world around him, so I smiled when, at 6, he asked to borrow my camera in case he saw “something beautiful.” ...

Click here for the rest of the story.

mother's day

It's a very difficult day for me. It has been for some years now.

Hopefully next year it will be a HUGE celebration in our home!