waiting, waiting and then, some more waiting

I'm growing weary of all the waiting. We inquire about a child and wait. And wait. And wait. And then wait some more. And I think "this is it, this is our child." But no, we hear nothing. We just wait.

We are still waiting to hear about the baby who is due December 20. Yes, all my eggs are in that basket. I WANT that baby. The birth mom is in our state. It's a perfect situation and she is looking for someone with 2 big dogs. We have 2 big dogs and Annie the puppy. Should I call her attorney and let him know we adopted Annie? Would that swing things our way?

And then there's A, who's matching meeting is Nov. 19. We are waiting to hear about her too.

The exercise of finding a child to adopt is so much like job hunting. When you find the job you want, you want to stop looking, but what if you don't get offered that job.

I feel like I betray some of the children when we inquire about more.

Then I remind myself, it's not about finding a child for us, it's about finding a home for a child. That is not like job hunting.

So we will wait, and wait, and wait some more.

I cannot believe we've been waiting 10 years to be parents, and one year to adopt. Last year we were sure we'd adopt a child before last Christmas, and here we are, a year later, waiting.

It's been three years since my last miscarriage. I still hold out a tiny hope that the myth about adoption is true, that everyone gets pregnant after they adopt. We would like at least two children. Why does this have to be so hard for us, so difficult.

We have spent so much time and money trying to become parents. Why couldn't it be easy, natural. What are we supposed to be learning from this. Why us. Why me.

I won't give up.