Monday, November 16, 2009

waiting, waiting and then, some more waiting

I'm growing weary of all the waiting. We inquire about a child and wait. And wait. And wait. And then wait some more. And I think "this is it, this is our child." But no, we hear nothing. We just wait.

We are still waiting to hear about the baby who is due December 20. Yes, all my eggs are in that basket. I WANT that baby. The birth mom is in our state. It's a perfect situation and she is looking for someone with 2 big dogs. We have 2 big dogs and Annie the puppy. Should I call her attorney and let him know we adopted Annie? Would that swing things our way?

And then there's A, who's matching meeting is Nov. 19. We are waiting to hear about her too.

The exercise of finding a child to adopt is so much like job hunting. When you find the job you want, you want to stop looking, but what if you don't get offered that job.

I feel like I betray some of the children when we inquire about more.

Then I remind myself, it's not about finding a child for us, it's about finding a home for a child. That is not like job hunting.

So we will wait, and wait, and wait some more.

I cannot believe we've been waiting 10 years to be parents, and one year to adopt. Last year we were sure we'd adopt a child before last Christmas, and here we are, a year later, waiting.

It's been three years since my last miscarriage. I still hold out a tiny hope that the myth about adoption is true, that everyone gets pregnant after they adopt. We would like at least two children. Why does this have to be so hard for us, so difficult.

We have spent so much time and money trying to become parents. Why couldn't it be easy, natural. What are we supposed to be learning from this. Why us. Why me.

I won't give up.


birthmothertalks said...

Hi.. We all can do the why me? The birthmom who choses you will be asking herself the same thing. Why me? Why did I let this happen. Sometimes I still ask why me? But I have to stop myself because what am I do wishing my daughter's life was never created. I can imagine the waiting is hard. I know from my side of it, it is.
By the way, your puppy is cute. Is it a lab? I have a lab named Ann.

KT said...

Wait wait wait wait wait... Let's just get this show on the road! I hear ya...

I often compare the adoption process to selling a just never really know what is going to happen or when...there might be some indicators, but really, until it happens, you just don't know.

Sending some good vibes your way!