patience *heavy sigh*

“Thank you for your interest in [insert name]. The child/children have been matched with a family and we are no longer accepting home studies.”

update

Now that we've widened our search to include children up to age 5, I am learning a lot of new things.

For instance FAS stands for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Read more here.
(There are also FASD which is Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders.) I see it listed both ways.

We are hoping to adopt a child/children who is/are "developmentally on target."

It is our belief that children with special needs deserve a stay at home parent. We also think a special needs child would benefit from parents with parenting experience.

I am surprised, daily, at the number of children available for adoption from the foster care system in this country. I look at their faces and wonder how they've ended up in "the system."

update

To date, we have inquired about 12 kids ranging in age 1–5.

• Two have been adopted already.
• Two are not allowed to leave their state.

That leaves eight possibilities.

Our social worker has advised us to find as many children to inquire about as possible, but I don't want to inquire just to inquire. I have to feel something when I see the child's face or read their profile, a connection, something.

Our child is out there, I'm convinced. It will take as long as it takes, and I will continue to have frustrating days.

frustration

I continue to be frustrated that almost EVERY single child we inquire about has already been adopted.

I know, on the one hand that it is a really great thing: children are being adopted. But on the other hand, I feel like some of these kids are being used as "lost leaders" or "bait and switch" and that is not how photolistings of waiting children should be used.

Is it just because social services are so understaffed they cannot keep up with who has been adopted?

Today I called two local social service departments, 2 different counties. One was very nice and said to call back in three months because they have some kids that will be available for adoption then if things don't work out and their birth parent's rights are terminated. The woman was very kind and helpful.

Just one county away I was told that I need to "use a private adoption agency." Was she having a bad day? I know we all do. But one could be a bit more helpful.


I did learn that not all children have online profiles. So if you are able, you might want to physically go into the office of your area social services (or call first) and ask if you can look through their book of waiting children.

Yes, it continues to be a long and bumpy road.
I hope I can make it less so for others seeking to adopt.

what ARE we expecting

I'm getting excited. I feel like we are getting closer and closer to finding our baby/child,/children or they are getting closer to finding us.

I don't know what we are expecting, a boy? a girl? a baby? a child? twins? siblings?! I'm finding it rather exciting, the possibilities.

All those years, I wanted a baby, our baby. Now I know whatever baby/child/children who come into our family will be ours. They will know the same love our biological child would know. We are meant to be a family, and we will be. It's just not happening the way one imagines, the traditional way. The plans for us are different, and I don't mind any more.

We will just keep searching and searching, and hoping our baby/child/children find us!

What ARE we expecting!?!! It will certainly be a surprise, a joyous surprise!

A family WILL be born!

Thank you to all who comment, you encourage me and keep me going. I appreciate that. Thank you for sharing your stories with me, they give me hope.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

how I spend my lunch hour (and many other hours)

I go here AdoptUsKids.org every day at least once, sometimes 2 or 3 times. All the faces staring back at me.

I can't help wonder, how did ALL these kids come to be here. They are so sweet, how could someone NOT love them to bits???

But...

I sometimes get frustrated, I see the photo first, try to find something in the face, something in the eyes, that I connect with. Then I read. Yes, this sounds good, reading more, then I get to "this child may not leave the state of such-n-such." Can that info please be moved to the top of the list so I can read it before I fall in love? Pppffffttt, I fall in love about 50 times every lunch hour! LOL.

I keep reading and looking for the child or children who call out to me. Though there are so many.

And then I wonder, how fair is it for us to be considered for more than one child at a time? Then I think how many PAPs are being considered at any one time, (remembering the birthmom who was looking at 175 profiles!).

9 months and 1 day today, where oh where is my baby, my child...

nine years

Nine years?

I've been thinking, when else have I worked for 9 years to get something I really wanted. It only took me five years to get a college degree. And less time than that to meet the love of my life.

I want a children, a family and to be a mom so badly, I've worked for 9 years to reach that goal.

What else would/could one possible work for 9 years towards?

I'm prepared to search for 9 more.

nearly 9 months

We are 2 weeks away from 9 months of adoption journey. We'd hoped it wouldn't take this long. We've hoped for a lot of things.

We've had 2 opportunities.

1. a birthmom in PA looked at our profile. Her baby boy was due April 30. She looked at over 150 profiles. We were not chosen.
2. (sit down for this one) our social worker called us and said that a sibling group was available: a 6 year old by and his 4 year old twin brother and sister. We actually said yes we wanted to be considered for this foster with intent to adopt situation. They had been with a foster to adopt mom who abused the girl. It went to court on Tuesday and all three kids were returned to the abusive foster/adopt mom. We were one of 3 families being considered.

Adoption IS a roller coaster. Oddly, infertility is a roller coaster too... I'm starting to not like roller coasters...

I get SO excited about each opportunity, I don't know how not to. A birthmom friend of mine says it's because I have such a big heart. I think I'm just a glutton.

It's just like when I was pregnant, I want to tell EVERYONE. I find it very hard to keep to myself. But like miscarriage, when these adoptions don't work out, I have to untell everyone.

I am starting to look at adoption like falling in love, we will have to kiss a few frogs before we find our prince or princess.

I will say the last opportunity has opened our hearts to consider older children. We are now thinking we'd like a child up to about 4 years old, maybe 6. If we want to change our home study to reflect this, it will cost $150 so we are going to think about it a bit.

Yes, I do get tired of hearing "your child is out there" but I have to keep believing that it's true.

Let's hope we don't have to wait another 9 months.

Thanks to family, friends and the kindness of strangers. You know who you are. Your support is greatly appreciated.

waiting to adopt? check out these tees

Adoption Bug - tees for those waiting to adopt. You can find them on Facebook too.

my quest to understand the other side of adoption

A "cyber" friend of mine who is also waiting to be chosen as an adoptive parent sent me this link.

As potential adoptive parents, we continue to try to understand what adoption is like from the other side, from the birth mom's side. I am trying to understand what a difficult and courageous decision adoption is for her.

'He deserves more'

Get your tissues ready.

nothing to report

I'm just writing to let you know there is nothing to report. We are still playing the waiting game.

Those of you going through the home study, try to enjoy it (LOL), it's better than the waiting! Who would have thunk it! At least you feel like you are doing something, making progress.

Waiting is what it is: waiting.

7 months

It was 7 months ago today that we decided to adopt!

WOW!

how it works or "what are we waiting for"

Ok, so while we are waiting, I thought I'd try to explain how it works, or at least how it works ideally...

We will hear of an adoption situation from one of you, our attorney, our social worker or whomever.

When a situation arises that we are interested in and can afford, we will submit our adoption profile. (That's why our profile is so important, it is someone's first impression of us, it is why I made myself crazy :D

The potential birth mom will look over profiles (or if she doesn't want to perhaps her parents will or even the birth father). She may have something specific she is looking for like a couple with no biological children or a couple living in a certain geographic location. So I think her attorney or social worker will screen out some profiles before the birth mom views them.

She will decide which prospective adoptive parents she wants to meet. It's like being a finalist in a contest.

After she meets everyone, she chooses who she wants to be the adoptive parents of her baby. Some birth moms allow the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room, some don't. Every situation is unique.

Some birth moms want no contact with the adoptive parents or the baby. Others want photos and letters, some want annual visits, it just depends on what everyone wants and agrees on. Any contact between the birth mom and adoptive parents is called an open adoption. There is no contact in a closed adoption.

We are open to an open adoption and would like our child to have the option to get to know their birth parents when they are older, the decision would be theirs to make at 18 or something.

standard lingo:
BM = birth mom
BF = birth father
APs = adoptive parents

9-year pregnancy?

Maybe in stead of having to wait 9 MONTHS for my baby, I'm gonna have to wait NINE YEARS? Is that the plan for me? I can't help thinking that when I look at my little ticker: 8 years, 7 months and 2 weeks...

Still searching for our Juno...

nothing much to report

Every "adoptive parents wanted" listing we get from our attorney is way out of our league (financially). Very frustrating. The waiting is terrible and the economy isn't helping. Very frustrating. I can't help but wonder if we picked the worst possible time to pursue adoption.

But as they say, there is no "right time" to get pregnant, so I'd say it's safe to assume there is no "right time" adopt.

A long, long, LONG time ago, a friend told me if you wait until you think you can afford children, you will never have children.

More recently, and after years of my infertility struggles, another friend told me she didn't want to give birth during hunting season because she knew she wouldn't get the much needed support of her hunter husband. I urged her not to plan her pregnancy around hunting season.

After nine years of battling infertility, I urge ALL my friends not to wait or try to plan their pregnancies for the "perfect" time. (Fertility peaks at age 27 for women, so it's only going to get more difficult to conceive after that whether you have infertility issues or not.)

And now I'm trying to remind myself of this too. If we are lucky enough to adopt soon, everything will work it's self out, even if the economy is not in our favor.

second "trimester" reflections

waiting


waiting


waiting


ugh

how much longer ? are we there yet?

Where is my baby?

I guess it's kind of like trying to find your soul mate. They are both out there some where. I can't help wondering if our baby is in PARIS!*



*For those who don't know, I met my English husband in Paris.

waiting waiting waiting

It's been five and a half months. I'm tired of waiting. Where's my baby!

That's how I've been feeling for days now.

25+ people have our profile, so it's out there, but that old saying "it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack" comes to mind.

I know, I know, we were told 12–24 months. I want nine, like a normal pregnancy.

After all, we have been waiting nearly nine years!

statistics about adoption

I'm curious about adoption statistics. Unfortunately a lot of statistics are old, but I found this on the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute site and wanted to share.

Author: Susan Smith
Published: 2006 November. Revised with Forward 2007 January. New York NY: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute

This publication, released in November for National Adoption Awareness month, represents the most thorough, intensive and sophisticated effort to date to understand contemporary infant adoption, particularly as it relates to the least-understood and most-stigmatized participants in the process: the women and men usually termed "birthparents."

• More adoptions take place each year than is commonly perceived or reported. The Institute estimates more than 135,000 annually, of which about 13,000 to 14,000 involve babies who are voluntarily relinquished domestically. Of non-stepparent adoptions each year, approximately 59 percent are from the child welfare system, 26 percent from abroad, and 15 percent of domestic infants.
• Overall, the parents placing their children for adoption in the 21st Century are very diverse and different from their counterparts in previous generations. They are no longer primarily teenagers; in fact, only about one-fourth are teens. The predominant profile is young women in their 20s who have graduated from high school, many of whom have other children.
• The vast majority of adoption agencies, as well as independent practitioners, offer open adoptions, in which identifying information is exchanged. Many of the adoptions they arrange also are mediated adoptions, in which ongoing information is exchanged through the agency.
• An overwhelming proportion of birthmothers contemporary have met the adoptive parents of their children - probably 90 percent or more - and almost all of the remaining birthmothers helped to choose the new parents through profiles. Contrary to the stereotypes that have been created about them, almost no women choosing adoption today seek anonymity or express a desire for no ongoing information or contact.
• Available data and experience indicate a minority of infant adoptions involve fathers in the process. The strongest protection for their rights and for the legitimacy of the adoption process requires identification of biological fathers and notifying them of adoption proceedings. Many states have established putative father registries to involve these men, but they are too often used as a means of cutting them out rather than including them.
• Principally because adoption is not well understood by the public generally, most women struggling to make decisions about unplanned pregnancies do not have accurate information with which to make an informed choice about whether this is a reasonable option for them.
• In some states, attorneys paid by and representing the prospective adoptive parents also may represent the women (and men when they are involved) considering placing their children. This practice of dual representation raises acute ethical and practical concerns.
• Research findings consistently show that women who feel pressured into placing their children suffer from poorer grief resolution and greater negative feelings. Most states do not have laws that maximize sound decision-making, however, such as required counseling, waiting periods of at least several days after childbirth before signing relinquishments, and adequate revocation periods during which birthparents can change their minds.
• Research on birthparents in the era of confidential (closed) adoptions suggests a significant proportion struggled - and sometimes continue to struggle - with chronic, unresolved grief. The primary factor bringing peace of mind is knowledge about their children's well-being.
• Current research on birthmothers concludes that being able to choose the adoptive family and having ongoing contact and/or knowledge results in lower levels of grief and greater peace of mind with their adoption decisions.
• Women who have the highest grief levels are those who placed their children with the understanding that they would have ongoing information, but the arrangement was cut off. Such contact/information is the most important factor in facilitating birthparents' adjustment, but only 13 states have laws to enforce post-adoption contact agreements in infant adoptions.