Monday, September 28, 2009

not what i had planned

Ok, so how old am I now? 44.

I've learned a couple of important things rather late in life:

  1. life is not fair (learn it early)
  2. this is not what i had planned

The first is simple enough. Life is not fair. We should all be taught this from a very young age. When you children say (er whine?) "but it's not fair" please reprogram them to say "life's not fair." because life IS not fair.

Maybe I learned it earlier in life, but it's just now sinking in. We plan to earch our children from an early age that life is not fair.

Ok, on to #2 and this is not what I had planned. At 27, I'd completely given up on ever finding Mr. Right and getting married. I planned to be a single mom and get artificially inseminated someday. (I met my husband in Paris in my 30th year.)

We started trying to get pregnant when I was 34 years old, yes, 10 years ago. This life is so not what I'd planned, not what we'd planned. We thought by now that's we'd have three kids (for the record, I have been pregnant 3 times).

Recently I went to a friend's baby shower. She is 40 and single. She said to me "this is so not what I had planned."

I am in touch with an old boy friend. He found himself divorced and trying to date when he was 36. He said to me "that was so not what I had planned." (He has since remarried and he and his wife adopted a boy from Russia.)

You thought you'd never be married.
You thought you'd never divorce.
You thought you'd have kids.
You thought you'd never have kids.


Life is just never what anyone plans. It's not just me. It's not just my life that isn't going as planned. It's not just my life that isn't fair. No one's life is fair. No one's life is what they'd planned.

Living and learning while we wait to adopt.

2 comments:

Yaya said...

Very true. This life certainly isn't what I had planned.

Anonymous said...

I feel like your words were taken from my mouth. I'm 43 and 1/2, but who is counting? At 35 I thought I'd never get married and began to ask my doctor about artificial insemination. She laughed at me and told me I had plenty of time. At 40, when I finally had met the man I knew I would marry--even though I too knew life was unfair!--she hung the black crepe and told me I had a 1:44 chance of having a baby with a birth defect. What happened to "you have plenty of time"??!! We've now been married for over 2 years, 2 miscarriages, multiple IUI's (5 to be exact) and 1 IVF....we're well on our way to adoption but I can't help but try IVF ONE MORE TIME! I know it will not work. I know this and yet, I still wonder what if...I feel I cannot close that chapter until I've done it ONE MORE TIME. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels/has felt this...on the other hand, our homestudy is Thursday and Saturday...can't believe how long you had to wait to complete yours! I'd be livid...and I'm allowing myself to be excited for an adoptive child. Then reality sets in and I realize that like infertility...it may be a long road. Will I be 60 before I get a child?! Frustrated in Buffalo!