followup to previous story/post

Maybe Parents Don't Like Boys Better
A follow-up to the recent column about whether daughters cause divorce.

By Steven E. Landsburg
Posted Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2003, at 11:49 AM ET

In a recent column, I argued that the most plausible reason that couples with daughters divorce more often than couples with sons is that parents, on average, prefer boys. Since then my e-mail box has overflowed with objections, alternative theories, and requests for clarification. In the meantime, I've changed my own mind. I think I have a much better way to explain the facts. So, I want to revisit these issues.

First, to the e-mail. The easiest ones to dispose of are those that question the facts, particularly the claim that a one-child American family with a daughter is 5 percent more likely to get divorced than a one-child family with a son. The facts are accurate. The divorce numbers come from a study by Gordon Dahl and Enrico Moretti based on more than 3 million observations from the U.S. Census. With that kind of sample size, there's no way the 5 percent difference is "just a coincidence," as some readers suggested.

Other readers accepted the reality of the 5 percent difference but questioned the conclusion that daughters cause divorce. After all, marriages differ in all sorts of ways that might be relevant—financial stresses, infidelity, emotional distance. The phrase "correlation does not imply causation" popped up a lot.

But in this case, correlation does imply causation, and here's why: If you take 3 million people, have them all flip coins, and divide them into two groups according to whether their coins came up heads or tails, then the two groups are going to look statistically identical in every way—same average income, same average intelligence, same average height. That's called the law of large numbers, and it works for two reasons—first, the sample size is huge, and second, coin flips are random. Now do the same thing, dividing your 3 million people according to the gender of their last-born child. The same thing happens—parents of boys are going to be statistically identical in every way to parents of girls, because you've still got a huge sample size and because the sex of a child is as random as a coin flip. Since everything else is equal, the only thing that can be causing the difference in divorce rates is the gender of the children.

"Why not just ask people why they got divorced?" inquire several e-mails. Answer: You can't feasibly ask 3 million people why they got divorced. You could feasibly ask 3,000, but then your results would be statistically suspect because of a small sample size.

In fact, there are published surveys indicating that mothers of boys are happier on average than mothers of girls. These surveys are directly relevant to the point at issue, but I chose not even to mention them in the original column because Gordon Dahl convinced me that their statistical significance was suspect.

A number of readers offered the comment that, evidence be damned, they would simply never believe that the children's gender could be relevant to a divorce decision. My favorite of these came from a therapist in Iowa—it would probably be inappropriate to mention her name, so let's just call her "Bozo the Therapist"—who took me to task for the "archaic notion" that children ever have anything to do with divorce. Unless she's been practicing not in the state of Iowa but on the planet Iowa in some distant solar system, Bozo must win the prize for "least observant therapist in human history." The fact is that children do affect divorce decisions; if we didn't know this from statistical evidence, we'd still know it from common sense. And to a smallish but non-negligible extent, girls cause more divorces than boys do. Ignoring those facts won't make them go away.

The facts are clear and worth reporting, but there's legitimate controversy about what they mean. There are three key facts: 1) Parents of daughters are more likely to divorce than parents of sons; 2) in multichild families, parents of daughters are more likely to try for another child than parents of sons; 3) divorced mothers of daughters are less likely to remarry than divorced mothers of sons.

I originally said that all three facts point to a parental preference for boys. Several readers pointed out that the third fact—that divorced mothers of daughters are less likely to remarry—admits a better explanation: Mothers don't want to expose their daughters to a potentially predatory stepfather. Excellent point. So, I now think the evidence on remarriages is ambiguous regarding whether second husbands prefer boy stepchildren.

Other readers offered what they thought was counterevidence: Adoption agencies report a higher demand for girls. But this is exactly what you'd expect in a world where parents prefer boys. In such a world, boys will tend to be put up for adoption when there's something seriously wrong with them, but many girls will be put up for adoption simply for being girls. So, if I'm looking to adopt a bright healthy child, of course I'll choose a girl: I expect that among children put up for adoption, girls are on average brighter and healthier than boys. I could well make this choice even if I prefer boys to girls, as long as my preference for bright and healthy is stronger.

Still, several readers came up with other ways to explain the facts. A lot of their stories were rooted in evolutionary biology, e.g., "a boy is a better genetic investment because boys can have more progeny than girls." Unfortunately, that doesn't work. For every boy with more than the average number of offspring, there's another with less than the average number. Boys are likelier than girls to generate 20 children, but they're also likelier to generate zero.

The most creative evolutionary biology explanation comes from reader Todd Peters: Boys with low self-esteem become withdrawn and unattractive; girls with low self-esteem become promiscuous. So, if you want lots of grandchildren, you've got to raise the self-esteem of your sons (by staying married) and lower the self-esteem of your daughters (by getting divorced).

Ooookay. But let's end on a serious note, with a whole new way of looking at this—the way I wish I'd thought of to begin with. Suppose parents believe that inherited wealth is more important to a boy than to a girl—either because wealth gives boys a bigger advantage in the mating competition or because boys are more likely to do something entrepreneurial. Then parents of boys will try harder than parents of girls to preserve their wealth. In particular: 1) Parents of boys will avoid divorce, because divorce is costly; and 2) parents of boys will have fewer children, because extra children dilute the inheritance.

That could explain the divorce statistics and explain why parents of boys are less likely to try for more children. So, here's a nice theory that fits all the facts and doesn't rely on a preference for boys.

Finally, a lot of readers asked me about my own preferences. I cannot imagine why they're interested. If I were reporting on national employment trends, would you want to know my personal employment history? But for the record, I'm pleased to say that I always wanted a girl, I got the girl I wanted, and so far she's perfect. Ask me again next month after she starts driving.

The Girls vs. The Boys

I've been wondering why there are SO many boys available for adoption so I Googled... It's old, but interesting.

Bringing Up Babes
Why do adoptive parents prefer girls?
By John Gravois
Updated Friday, Jan. 16, 2004, at 11:52 AM ET

Illustration by Robert Neubecker

Steven E. Landsburg deduced from an array of data that parents, on average, prefer sons over daughters. His evidence lay in a few recent studies that show that daughters have a slight but marked tendency to break up (or else forestall) marriages while sons tend to keep them together. But it turns out there's a fascinating fork in the statistical trail of bread crumbs.

For years, it's been common currency in adoption circles that girls are far more popular than boys among adoptive parents. Now there's data to confirm it, which has prompted another round of speculation about gender preference among parents—an issue that is bound to rouse more interest, and concern, as the era of assisted reproduction progresses.

This past August, the Census Bureau released an unprecedented report comparing adopted, biological, and stepchildren based on results from the 2000 Census—amazingly, the first census to differentiate between these groups. First of all, the report found that there are about 105 boys for every 100 girls in the general population of biological children under the age of 18. Adopted children, it turns out, present a very different picture, with a "sex ratio"—the sociologists' term—of 89 boys for every 100 girls. What's more, adopted children under the age of 6 constitute a group where there only are 85 boys for every 100 girls. (The Census Bureau reports that stepchildren—a sizable population whose sex ratio is closer to the norm—are usually adopted at later ages than orphans are. Hence the under-6 drop-off.

Last but not least, the sex ratio of adopted children goes still further off-kilter if you look only at international adoptions. The Immigration and Naturalization Service (now part of the Department of Homeland Security) has kept up excellent data on international adoptions over decades of processing visa paperwork. Its word: Girls make up about 64 percent of all children adopted by Americans outside the United States. That's a mere 56* boys for every hundred girls.

What explains the disproportion? If we didn't know better, the most obvious conjecture would be that these numbers simply reflect an imbalance in supply. After all, America's leading source of adoptees is China, where the legacy of female infanticide is the grimmest hallmark of that country's overwhelming preference for males. The organization Families With Children From China reports that about 95 percent of children available for adoption in China are girls. Other Asian adoption hubs (like Korea, the erstwhile lead supplier) have orphan sex ratios that tend in the same direction. So Americans adopt more girls because other countries don't want them, right?

Wrong. Unlike biological parents, who must simply make do with what the procreative coin toss affords them—as in a market determined solely by supply—adoptive parents get to be upfront about their gender preferences. And a look at those preferences suggests that, in fact, the adoption market in China represents a happy coincidence of supply and demand.

Numbers vary, but it's pretty safe to say that somewhere between 70 percent and 90 percent of parents looking to adopt register some preference for a girl with an agency. It doesn't matter if they're adopting from China, where girls far outnumber boys; from Russia, where the numbers are about even; or from Cambodia, where there is typically a glut of orphan boys and a paucity of girls. Everywhere, demand tends to favor the feminine.

And, as the case of Cambodia suggests, demand can in fact exert an influence on supply—and not a happy one. In the late '90s, Cambodia became a popular source for American adoptions, thanks to a relatively quick, cheap, and tidy process. But for whatever reason (some cite a Cambodian tradition that girls are expected to take care of their parents when they get older), Cambodia didn't offer the standard Asian profile of adoptable children. Boys outnumbered girls by a healthy margin. So what happened was what you would expect to happen in an underpoliced free market: Market pressure built up, until certain enterprising Cambodian adoption suppliers, or "facilitators," stepped in and found a way to meet demand.

Evidence of child-trafficking came to light in late 2001 and early 2002, when several poor Cambodian women stepped forward saying they had been approached by someone from an "NGO" who offered them a sum of money—significantly more for a daughter than for a son, though never more than $200—in exchange for their children. When that "NGO" turned out to be an orphanage, the U.S. Embassy and the then-INS slammed the gates on all U.S. adoptions out of Cambodia. They haven't reopened the gates yet.

Scholars inside the adoption community are quick to admit that the historical aura of secrecy surrounding adoption has hobbled research efforts to account for the decided preference among parents for girls. Still, there are a few decent indicators. First, there are certain norms and stereotypes peculiar to the world of adoption that have been wafting around since adoption became a modern institution. Take, for example, the following quote, an excerpt from the 1916 annual report of the Spence Alumni Society, one of the very first American adoption agencies: "Why do so many people prefer girls! The majority seem to feel that a girl is easier to understand and to rear, and they are afraid of a boy."

Quaint, yes, but the same view still crops up regularly enough in adoption-talk that it invites some probing. Parents might be "afraid of a boy" because the adoption market stalks frightful circumstances like poverty, instability, and violence around the map: When taking the somewhat risky step of bringing a foreign element into their family, parents might perceive little boys to be inheritors of their homes' uneasy fortunes, whereas little girls can more readily seem to be hapless victims of circumstance. Or it might be that, as Landsburg suggested in a follow-up piece, adoptive parents choose girls out of an inference that his theory is true—that most biological parents like sons better—and therefore they gather that "boys will tend to be put up for adoption when there's something seriously wrong with them, but many girls will be put up for adoption simply for being girls."

According to Adam Pertman, the real answer lies elsewhere. Pertman, the executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a New York-based think tank, and author of the book Adoption Nation, suggests that the most important step in figuring out why so many people want to adopt girls is to look at who wears the pants in most adoption processes. Hint: It isn't the men.

"The extent to which women are the driving force in most adoptions is probably a factor," he says. "It's usually true that the women are filling out the paperwork, going to the conferences, the support groups." He adds, "If I speak at a conference—whether it's on adoption or family issues—at least 80 to 90 percent of any of these audiences are women."

If men are indeed largely silent partners in most adoptions, it could indicate that men's preferences with regard to their children's gender are simply not as strong when patrimony is not an issue. A man might hanker pretty strongly after a biological son to pass down both his name and his genes; but if that grand prize, so to speak, is not on the table, he may not care as much either way. Furthermore, if women are the ones running the show in most adoptions, and daughters are the ones getting adopted, it might nudge us toward the overall conclusion that parents merely tend to want children who are like themselves. Absent a strong paternal vote, mothers adopt daughters—and, as Landsburg noted, "fathers stick around for sons when they won't stick around for daughters." If adoption has any light to shed on the larger questions of gender preference among parents, this is probably it: More often than not, the view from adoption has it, mom wants a little girl, and dad wants a little boy.

But perhaps it's worth considering whether deeper motivations might also be at work. Let's assume that the parenting instinct combines two different components: a procreative and a nurturing urge. Some might say women disproportionately answer to the call of nurture, and men are more susceptible to the leaner procreative impulse. In most instances, adoption provides people who cannot satisfy the latter part of that instinct (procreate!) with a means at least to satisfy the former (nurture!). By that reasoning, parents (mostly women) who initiate adoptions do so because they want children to nurture and love, and they adopt girls out of a common perception—however accurate or inaccurate it may be—that girls respond better to nurturing than boys do. Perhaps adoption simply isolates one of the variables involved in why people become parents, and that variable happens to be one that favors girls.

Any institution that grafts altruistic motives, and ends, onto stubborn instinctual predispositions—which is what adoption does—is a cause for rejoicing. (Full disclosure: I have two adopted siblings.) But the adoptive parents' freedom to choose their child's gender can, as recent events in Cambodia suggest, cast a potentially darker light on this cuddly scenario. When little girls or little boys become preferred commodities—instead of just glints in the eye—there can be unforeseen, and unfortunate, consequences.

In this, adoption may be a bellwether of things to come, as rising technologies of assisted reproduction begin to afford biological parents a similar freedom to stipulate the gender of their children-to-be. If nothing else, the case of adoption shows that gender preferences can indeed skew pretty far to one side if parents are free to jot them down before the fact of parenthood (after which point one's theoretical desire for either a son or a daughter usually breaks up against an actual, beloved child of either gender). Perhaps, all speculation aside, we should regard this particular freedom with a wary eye—and applaud the growing number of adoption agencies that don't allow prospective parents to stipulate any gender preference in the first place.

Correction, Jan. 14, 2003: This piece originally miscalculated the gender ratio for adopted children. It is 56 boys for every hundred girls, not 72. Return to the corrected sentence.

"Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View"

from Williamsburg Yorktown Daily:

Infertility and IVF: A Womb with a View
Dr. John Janousek, M.D.
Posted: Today

Prior to medical school I worked in reproductive medical labs performing in-vitro fertilization, or IVF. I was an embryologist, the one who joined the egg and sperm together in petri dishes to form human embryos. I saw firsthand the anguish of couples who suffered from infertility and the joy when “miracle babies” were born from assisted reproductive technologies.

The usual course of life for most couples is dating, marriage, then children, and when they cannot become pregnant everything changes. There is terrific emotional stress, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, depression, and frequently marital discord.

Infertility treatments have become very advanced and more successful. IVF has come a long way since the first American baby, Elizabeth Carr, was born 27 years ago after her mother was treated by Drs. Howard and Georgiana Jones here in Hampton Roads at EVMS in Norfolk.

What is infertility?
Infertility is defined as the inability to get pregnant after trying for at least one year. Women who have repeated miscarriages are also infertile.

What are the steps in becoming pregnant?
An egg must be released from a follicle on an ovary (ovulation), and must enter one of the fallopian tubes leading to the uterus. Sperm must be present to fertilize the egg along this journey. Finally, the fertilized egg (embryo) must attach to the walls of the uterus. Conditions that interfere with any of these steps can cause infertility.

How common is infertility?
Very common. About 12% of women have trouble becoming pregnant. In couples, about 1/3 of the time it is a female factor, 1/3 are male factors, and 1/3 are a combination or unknown.

What are the causes of infertility in women?
The most common cause is a problem with ovulation (commonly hormonal). Other causes include blocked fallopian tubes (from pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, or surgery), uterine problems such as a bicornuate uterus (2 compartments) and fibroids. Advanced maternal age decreases fertility as well.

What are causes of infertility in men?
Some men produce too few sperm or even none at all. Others have sperm which have an abnormal shape or impaired ability to move (motility problems). Other sperm appear normal on microscopic exam, but for biochemical reasons cannot penetrate the egg.

Trying, but no baby; what next?
Ok, a couple has been trying for a year to become pregnant without success. What are the next steps? The couple should get an appointment with a gynecologist who has experience in infertility treatment. A woman can contact her gynecologist to ask about an infertility work up or a referral.

What are some of the steps in infertility testing?
To test ovulation, a woman can check her basal body temperature every morning, check her cervical mucus texture, or use a home ovulation test kit. Blood work and ultrasounds can also be performed.

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is used to check for blockages in the fallopian tubes. Dye is injected through the vagina into the uterus, and fluoroscopy (continuous x ray) enables the physician to watch its passage. Laparoscopy (surgery) involves insertion of a fiberoptic scope through the skin into the pelvic area to directly visualize the reproductive organs. This is also the definitive method to diagnose endometriosis (abnormal location of cells from the lining of the uterus).

Men typically have a semen analysis done, and they can be referred to an urologist for further evaluation. Some conditions such as a hydrocele (swollen blood vein) may require a minor surgery.

What are some infertility treatments?
Infertility medications are given to women to help them ovulate and to mature and release more eggs from multiple follicles which increases the chance of conception. Artificial insemination involves washing and concentrating a sperm sample with injection into the uterus. Treatments are targeted at overcoming the specific problems identified (see steps in becoming pregnant above). Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) refers to more advanced treatments.

What are some types of ART?
IVF refers to joining of the egg and sperm with fertilization outside of the body, in a special type of petri dish containing specific culture media. The woman is given hormone injections causing the ovaries to produce many eggs. When the eggs are mature, they are removed usually by needle aspiration and joined with the sperm in the lab. Embryos are replaced through a catheter inserted through the cervix into the uterus about 3-5 days later.

The Jones Institute’s clinical pregnancy rate per embryo transfer procedure is about 43%. Nationwide in the best clinics, there is about 22-32% “take home baby rate” per transfer; this takes into account miscarriages and ectopic (tubal) pregnancies. The CDC has a good site about ART with data from all reporting programs.

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is used to overcome sperm problems, and involves using a microscope and special tiny needles to inject a single sperm directly into an egg without harming it.

Working as an embryologist was a very interesting and rewarding job for me, although I always worried about dropping the small petri dishes containing human embryos (never happened). The patients were incredibly thankful when the process worked (but of course the doctor got all the credit).

I remember a party I attended at that time, where a woman found out what I did for work. She began telling me loudly and in detail all about her husband’s low sperm count and the problems they had conceiving. The poor fellow was standing there trying to shrink into the wood work!

Remember, infertility is a common problem that can be treated, although even now many couples are not successful. About 85% are treated medically or surgically with only about 5-10% progressing to the point of needing IVF or other ART.

Infertile couples need plenty of emotional support as the inability to produce children is a huge stressor. Sexual union, instead of being an act of love turns into a mechanical process of trying to achieve the elusive goal of pregnancy, with each menstruation bringing on feelings of failure.

The good news: There are a lot of treatment options and we have one of the world’s best infertility centers close by in Norfolk at the Jones Institute. Also, let’s keep in mind another option: adoption; some of the area’s greatest people were adopted, namely ME!

Disclaimer: This does not take the place of regular medical care, and is not a complete review of any medical conditions. Consult with a physician before any treatment or taking any medications. Seek medical attention immediately for any serious symptoms, or call 911. No current or local patients have been referenced, so any resemblance is purely coincidental.

courses change

You may have noticed, our journey has changed it's course slightly. We are now looking into foster/adopting. Waiting for a newborn could take a few more years. We certainly wouldn't turn one away, but we've widened our search to include children up to five years old.

For those of you doing your home study, take note, it cost us $150 to change this on our already completed home study report. It's an addendum to our original report. We had never specified boy or girl, we'd be happy to have either.

Foster/adoption is fostering with the intention to adopt. These children are not going back to their birth parents for whatever reason.

Children in foster care are waiting for their birth parents to get their lives together so their children can come back and live in their home.

When you foster with intent to adopt, you are given a stipend (yes, the first thing I think is this system has the potential to be abused by some) until the child reaches the age of 18. The child is also on medicaid until the adoption in finalized.

Please continue to ask me anything, and PLEASE continue commenting, you comments are appreciated!

nine years

Nine years?

I've been thinking, when else have I worked for 9 years to get something I really wanted. It only took me five years to get a college degree. And less time than that to meet the love of my life.

I want a children, a family and to be a mom so badly, I've worked for 9 years to reach that goal.

What else would/could one possible work for 9 years towards?

I'm prepared to search for 9 more.

May is National Foster Care Month

Did you know there are 513,000 American children in foster care?
May is National Foster Care Month. No matter how much time you have to give, you have
the power to do something positive that will change a lifetime for a young person in need.

Get involved. Make a difference. For more information, visit
fostercaremonth.org or call 1-888-799-KIDS today!

nearly 9 months

We are 2 weeks away from 9 months of adoption journey. We'd hoped it wouldn't take this long. We've hoped for a lot of things.

We've had 2 opportunities.

1. a birthmom in PA looked at our profile. Her baby boy was due April 30. She looked at over 150 profiles. We were not chosen.
2. (sit down for this one) our social worker called us and said that a sibling group was available: a 6 year old by and his 4 year old twin brother and sister. We actually said yes we wanted to be considered for this foster with intent to adopt situation. They had been with a foster to adopt mom who abused the girl. It went to court on Tuesday and all three kids were returned to the abusive foster/adopt mom. We were one of 3 families being considered.

Adoption IS a roller coaster. Oddly, infertility is a roller coaster too... I'm starting to not like roller coasters...

I get SO excited about each opportunity, I don't know how not to. A birthmom friend of mine says it's because I have such a big heart. I think I'm just a glutton.

It's just like when I was pregnant, I want to tell EVERYONE. I find it very hard to keep to myself. But like miscarriage, when these adoptions don't work out, I have to untell everyone.

I am starting to look at adoption like falling in love, we will have to kiss a few frogs before we find our prince or princess.

I will say the last opportunity has opened our hearts to consider older children. We are now thinking we'd like a child up to about 4 years old, maybe 6. If we want to change our home study to reflect this, it will cost $150 so we are going to think about it a bit.

Yes, I do get tired of hearing "your child is out there" but I have to keep believing that it's true.

Let's hope we don't have to wait another 9 months.

Thanks to family, friends and the kindness of strangers. You know who you are. Your support is greatly appreciated.

quote

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

~Elizabeth Stone

ah dear internet, the places you take me...

I've started Twittering. I have multiple personalities.

One of me Twitters as someone waiting to adopt. I have met others waiting to adopt as well as a few birth moms. Interesting to say the least.

I've met an 18-year-old. She gave birth last night. The adoptive parents were at the hospital during the birth, I'm not sure if they were in the delivery room or not.

My friend (the birth mom) started sending me messages via Twitter last night from her hospital bed. Once she held her baby, she did not want to let her go, she wanted to keep her.

She asked ME what to do. I found myself in a very awkward position to say the least. For a moment, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I told her I did not have an answer for her. I told her only she can find the answer in her heart. I told her that her feelings were probably pretty normal for someone who as just given birth. I told her I'm sure her feelings are completely natural.

I asked her to try to look to the future, 2 months from now, 2 years from now, what would be the best for her and her baby. I suggested she try to see beyond her current feelings. She said she would sleep on it and let me know what she decided this morning.

I've not heard from her.

I cried part of the time we were "communicating." I cried for her, her baby and for the potential adoptive parents. They had already held the baby too. I know their hearts will break if the adoption fails.

I cannot put myself in her shoes, no matter how hard I try.

She asked if I hated her because she accidentally got pregnant at 18 and I can't get pregnant. I told her no way! I thought this a typical adolescent question. It did make me laugh a bit.

She graduates from high school in 2 weeks.

We both watch "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."

She pressed me again, begging "please! tell me what to do." I just kept telling her "as much as I'd like to help, I cannot do that." I prayed for her, for her baby and for the perspective adoptive parents.

She told me she wished she'd met me sooner, she would like me to be the adoptive parent. So sweet, so innocent, so young.

This encounter has touched my heart and let me have a brief front row seat to the other side of adoption. For that, I am thankful.

Ah dear internet, what do you have in store for me next...

update #1: She decided to keep her baby. I've wished her all the best.

update #2: her boyfriend/baby daddy proposed, they plan to get married after graduation. Baby is doing well.

update #3: she graduated from high school this week and her baby came home from the hospital. (5.8.09)

i get by with a little help from my friends

My friend John recently blogged about us on his B&B site. Check it out here, and if you are ever planning a trip to Atlantic City, I highly recommend John's B&B, The Carrisbrooke Inn, and tell him Julie & Chris sencha!

waiting to adopt? check out these tees

Adoption Bug - tees for those waiting to adopt. You can find them on Facebook too.

Virginia Women's Center

If you got here from the Virginia Women's Center, welcome. Being from Virginia, I hope you find this blog really helpful. I have tips on fingerprinting, etc, that are specific to Virginia.

Please feel free to comment, ask questions, or just follow along quietly.

I'm happy to help in any way I can.

Welcome!

check me out!

My OB/GYN's office posted a link to my blog on their site! Wooo hooo!

Virginia Women's Center

my quest to understand the other side of adoption

A "cyber" friend of mine who is also waiting to be chosen as an adoptive parent sent me this link.

As potential adoptive parents, we continue to try to understand what adoption is like from the other side, from the birth mom's side. I am trying to understand what a difficult and courageous decision adoption is for her.

'He deserves more'

Get your tissues ready.

i want my MTV!

(How old am I? does anyone else remember that advertising campaign?) :P

Two of my friends told me about a program on MTV called TrueLife and right now there is an episode on called "I Placed My Baby for Adoption."

It was on at 4 a.m. today so we DVR'd it and my husband and I are watching it right now. I wanted to post so you can search for it and hopefully it will still be running for the next week or so.

It is a reality show about 2 pregnant young women and their decision to adopt, but it's just one episode.

We are still trying to learn as much as we can about what it's like for the birth mom.

updated 3.26.09: there is a followup to this program on here. I watched it and it was very good. I feel for the women who have to make the decision to keep or give up their baby. I know it must be difficult to keep in mind what is best for the baby.

nothing to report

I'm just writing to let you know there is nothing to report. We are still playing the waiting game.

Those of you going through the home study, try to enjoy it (LOL), it's better than the waiting! Who would have thunk it! At least you feel like you are doing something, making progress.

Waiting is what it is: waiting.

7 months

It was 7 months ago today that we decided to adopt!

WOW!

how it works or "what are we waiting for"

Ok, so while we are waiting, I thought I'd try to explain how it works, or at least how it works ideally...

We will hear of an adoption situation from one of you, our attorney, our social worker or whomever.

When a situation arises that we are interested in and can afford, we will submit our adoption profile. (That's why our profile is so important, it is someone's first impression of us, it is why I made myself crazy :D

The potential birth mom will look over profiles (or if she doesn't want to perhaps her parents will or even the birth father). She may have something specific she is looking for like a couple with no biological children or a couple living in a certain geographic location. So I think her attorney or social worker will screen out some profiles before the birth mom views them.

She will decide which prospective adoptive parents she wants to meet. It's like being a finalist in a contest.

After she meets everyone, she chooses who she wants to be the adoptive parents of her baby. Some birth moms allow the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room, some don't. Every situation is unique.

Some birth moms want no contact with the adoptive parents or the baby. Others want photos and letters, some want annual visits, it just depends on what everyone wants and agrees on. Any contact between the birth mom and adoptive parents is called an open adoption. There is no contact in a closed adoption.

We are open to an open adoption and would like our child to have the option to get to know their birth parents when they are older, the decision would be theirs to make at 18 or something.

standard lingo:
BM = birth mom
BF = birth father
APs = adoptive parents

9-year pregnancy?

Maybe in stead of having to wait 9 MONTHS for my baby, I'm gonna have to wait NINE YEARS? Is that the plan for me? I can't help thinking that when I look at my little ticker: 8 years, 7 months and 2 weeks...

Still searching for our Juno...

Adoption seekers using YouTube, Facebook to find birth moms

by Stephanie Chen

(CNN) -- Their paths crossed on YouTube on an August night last year.

Jeremy and Christy Nueman used YouTube to find their adopted baby, Caleb.

Amanda, a college student seven months pregnant, scrolled past a YouTube video of a young California couple seeking adoption.

The couple, Jeremy and Christy Nueman, wanted to adopt a baby after struggling with infertility for five years. But instead of relying solely on newspaper ads or bulletin board fliers to increase their chances of connecting with a birth mother, they created a short YouTube video to show who they are.

Upon watching the video online, Amanda immediately connected with a snapshot of the Nuemans' adorable miniature pinscher named Penny. She giggled when she saw video of Jeremy Nueman dancing happily in his kitchen, which reminded her of her own father.

She played the video over and over again.

"The video was comforting, and I could relate to them" said Amanda, who picked the Nuemans to become the adoptive parents of her baby boy out of hundreds of profiles she viewed online and through adoption agencies. Amanda chose to keep her last name anonymous for privacy reasons. "It's so hard when you are just reading a letter to figure out what are these people like."

With a high demand for domestic infants, adoption experts say the wait for a baby can be months or years. To gain a competitive edge, a growing number of adoption-minded couples are using Web sites like YouTube and Facebook to sell themselves as parents. Going online is cheaper, faster and reaches a wider audience than using just on print advertisements and word of mouth, they say.

Some wannabe parents are uploading YouTube videos featuring a hodgepodge of photos, home tours and interviews. Others are writing on blogs and personal Web sites to give birth mothers a glimpse of their adoption journey. To help spread the word, prospective parents also are utilizing social networking sites like Twitter, MySpace and Facebook in the hope that their friends may know of a potential birth mom.

"Today's teens and young adults looking for adoptive parents are more tech savvy than before," says Jeff Siler, who owns ParentGallery.com, a free site created in 2007 where couples wanting to adopt can post pictures and video online. "Even before teens talk to an adoption agency, they may already be trying to Google for an answer online."

Social media like YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are also gaining traction among private adoption agencies. Bethany Christian Services, one of the nation's largest adoption agencies, which completed more than 730 domestic infant adoptions last year, advises its couples -- including the Nuemans -- to create a YouTube video.

"Having a video makes you feel like you are with them in person," says Dawn Baker, a social worker at Bethany Christian Services in Madison Heights, Michigan, who says the teen mothers she counsels really connect with the videos. Baker added that she matched a 16-year-old pregnant girl with a family in North Carolina after the teen saw their video last month. The adoption is not yet finalized.

In the past, adoption advertising, which is allowed in at least 34 states, traditionally relied on newspaper and radio advertising as well as brochures, fliers and business cards, adoption experts said. In the digital era, these media no longer have the reach they once did. Newspaper ads can be costly, running hundreds of dollars a month.

Maria Kwarta and her husband, Nathan Kwarta, both 26, of University City, Missouri, saw the Internet as a natural way to reach potential birth moms.

"We were trying to do what was familiar to us. We already had Facebook and MySpace accounts, so why not just use that," said Maria Kwarta, who has been discussing adoption with her husband for more than five years.

The two are also sending Tweets every few days, seeking potential moms on Craigslist, documenting their efforts in Live Journal, updating their Xanga profiles and posting on CafeMom.

"Get to know us a little better," says the Kwartas' three-minute YouTube video with upbeat music in the background. Their video shows a photo montage of the couple with brimming smiles at baseball games and ski trips. The video ends with contact information so the birth mother can reach them directly. Watch the Kwartas' YouTube video

The Nuemans and Kwartas aren't alone in their relentless efforts to find a baby. While there is no federal data tracking the number of private domestic adoptions each year, adoption experts estimate that about 15,000 private domestic infant adoptions are completed in a year. Yet experts said the number of couples trying to adopt is even larger than the adoptions that are finalized.

White American infants continue to be in the highest demand, adoption experts say, but the number of domestic infants available for private adoption has dropped as women have more access to contraception and the social stigma against single parenting has lessened.

For example, from 1989 to 1995, the percentage of children born to never-married white women who were placed up for adoption dwindled to 1.7 percent, a steep decline from 19.3 percent of children going up for adoption before 1973, according to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in Massachusetts, a nonprofit that tracks national adoption trends.

"The more people who know you are looking, the better your prospects," explained Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, who has seen more prospective parents start using the Web to spread the word in the last few years. "It's a crapshoot, and you are trying to improve your odds."

Seth Edlavitch, 38, and his wife had waited for a baby for nearly three years. They had made a paper flier to find a birth mother, and on a whim, they uploaded it to Facebook last December. His wife, Melissa Segal, 39, was unable to conceive and had a devastating miscarriage years before.

It took only two weeks before a friend of a friend, who knew someone who wanted to give up her child for adoption, found the flier online.

"It's just one of those right place and the right time situations," said Edlavitch, who brought their newborn son, Noah Edlavitch, to their Maryland home on New Year's Day. "I never would have anticipated that it would work the way that it did."

There are some downsides to advertising online. Driving traffic to the site can be tough. The blogs, videos and profiles need to stand out to be effective, says Lori Dowd, who owns an adoption consulting Web site, ProfilesThatGetPicked.com.

Karen Greenberg, president of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, a national association of adoption lawyers, warns that advertising on Craigslist and Facebook can be a "hotbed for scams." The academy is trying to create a national "adoption information clearing house" where attorneys, agencies and eventually couples looking to adopt can use the site to check the birth mother's status. The site is planned to be launched this year.

"There aren't any regulations to oversee what's actually going on when you go at it alone," she said.

Back in their home in San Diego, California, the Nuemans have celebrated their first Thanksgiving and Christmas with their new son, Caleb, a playful, chubby, brown-haired, blue-eyed baby. The adoption was finalized in October 2008.

"I remember walking through the door with Caleb the first time we bought him back," said Christy Nueman, 29. "Just the thought that our family was going to be full-grown -- it was a sweet moment knowing this would be our new family."