I have moved (my blog that is)

I will no longer be posting anything new on this blog. I will leave it live for those wishing to learn about the adoption process since that's what my original intention was.

You may find me posting on my new blog called Beyond Infertility.

I will still receive email notification if you comment on this blog and I will respond as needed.

Thanks to everyone for your support and love during the life of this blog.

I wish you all the best.

Love,
Julie

end of our journey

It is with great regret that I write to let you know we had our final FET on Nov. 4 and it failed.


After doing some research, I asked the lab if we could "grow" our 3-day embryos to 5-day embryos to improve our chances. The lab director agreed that this could show who the best/healthiest embryos are.

We thawed all ten remaining embryos. Nine survived.

We "challenged" the nine 3-day embryos to 5 days. Two of them grew to blastocysts and and showed improved quality. One made it to the Morula stage (nearly blastocyst). So we transferred three.

We donated the six remaining embryos to our lab for research, with the blessing of the donors.

I was in a lot of pain during the 2ww. Our RE said that was HOPEFULLY a sign that my uterus was adjusting to the embryos implanting. I dreampt that all three split and I was pregnant with SIX!!!

Friday, Nov. 19 the sever pain landed me in the local ER where they determined I have a hemorrhagic cyst that is about 2.5" big. It is the least life-threatening type, but the most painful. Leave it to me. They think it might have been caused by the Lupron and/or hormones I was on, but there is really no way of knowing.

I was in bed for the next 10 days, but had to return to work on Monday, Nov. 29 due to lack of paid leave. The doctor's aren't sure how long this cyct will last. Yesterday the doctor told me "weeks" but it's already bee WEEKS! I am on pain medication.

Maybe the pain is a blessing, it's kept my mind off the fact that we are now faced with a life without children, something neither of us want.

We are brokenhearted beyond words. How can this be? 11+ years and we end up without any children? Life just seems so incredibly, incredibly unfair.

five holes in my heart

I've had three miscarriages.

I've had other failed IVF treatments.

But nothing could prepare me for a failed FET.

They were already embryos. Two embryos.

I now feel the loss of five children.

Five of my children. Gone. Just gone.

How does one overcome such a loss?

when infertility strikes

Although infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an intergenerational crisis that has the ability to strain, even damage, family relationships over time by impairing communications and interactions. Invisible losses, such as miscarriages, failed medical treatments, or adoptions gone awry, may highlight a family's inadequate means of dealing with problems . . .

Read more . . .

anniversary

Tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary.

For 11 of 14 years we have been trying to have a baby or adopt a child. As my husband says, we have spent so much time and energy on trying to have children, it has been our second job for 11 years.

Ironically, one of the things that first attracted me to my husband when I met him in Paris in 1995 was the way he talked about his niece. I remember he showed me a Planet Hollywood glass with glitter inside it that he'd bought for her. He missed her a lot and talked about her all the time.

After our recent loss, I have tried to figure out what it is I'm feeling. I've reflected on our 11-year journey to have a family. It was August 11 years ago that we decided to start our family. We were so excited. So full of hope and optimism. Go off the pill in August and be pregnant by the end of the year we figured...

That was 11 years ago, three miscarriages ago, two embryos ago, 10s of 1,000s of dollars ago. . .

Every month for 11 years we've hoped to be pregnant, but it's been month after month, year after year of heartbreak and disappointment.

That's what it means to be infertile, heartbreak after heartbreak.

Today I can hardly see a family on TV or in Walmart without bursting into tears. Where is my child? Where is my family?

We'd planned to go to Paris (where we met) to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary, and then our 10th anniversary, but we never have. We've spent every penny and every moment trying to have a family, something that seems to come so easy to the rest of the world.

This year we really hoped we'd be celebrating our pregnancy tomorrow. But no, another year has gone by and we are still without child.

I am now hanging on to a thread of hope. Hope that we will still be blessed with a miracle, hope that we will still, some how, some way, have the child we've been waiting and working for, for the past 11 years for.

infertility etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time . . .

Read more . . .

no soliciting!

If you are a doctor or clinic or whatever, please refrain from leaving me comments. I will just trash them. I have a doctor who's opinion I respect, and he is completely familiar with my medical history. Please don't waste your time and mine.

Thank you.

the power of positive thinking

Ok, so, I keep getting asked "what will you do it if doesn't work?"

C'mon people, give me a break.

It IS going to work, I've come to far for it not to.

And what kind of thinking is that anyway? What answer are you expecting me to give you?

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I want it to work, I'm hoping for the best. I just really don't have the time or energy to prepare for the worst, to worry about what if it doesn't work, that just isn't productive for me.

The power of positive thinking.
The power of prayer.

Please, stop asking.
It doesn't help me to force me to think about that.

I remain hopeful.
I remain positive.

eleven years

Eleven years. In August, it will be eleven years that we have been trying to have a family.

1 billion clomid cycles
2 IUIs
5 med-only cycles
3 miscarriages
2 years of trying to adopt

I can't help but think about how my life is about to change. Most of my friends have only known Julie-trying-to-have-a-family. They don't know me any other way.

I've forgotten what normal Julie is like. Eleven years is a long time.

And now I wonder what it will be like to live my life not trying to have a family.

What will it be like to actually have what I've waited eleven years for. What will I be like. I will have a child to totally focus my attention on, so I will have something to do with all the energy and time I've been spending trying to have a family.

There is big change ahead, and I'm excited. I'm ready to get on with my life!

update

I’m happy to report the embryos arrived safely today!

ps to today's first update

I will say one thing, having to wait 4-5 months has given us plenty of time to think about this and talk about it. And we have. And we still feel this is the right thing for us. We feel so blessed to have such awesome donors.

I personally feel that I am getting everything I could have dreamed of. Two years ago I mourned the loss of ever carrying a pregnancy to full term. I will now be blessed with that opportunity and I still cannot believe it. When we turned to adoption, early on we decided we wanted an open adoption because we wanted our children to know where they came from, after talking to several adult adoptees, we realized and appreciated how important it is for people to know where they came from. So we will be able to give our child(ren) the gift of knowing where they came from.

We have had 4+ months to consider our child(ren)'s family tree that will have FOUR main branches, rather than just two.

I take comfort in knowing we are right where we are supposed to be, and I hope what we have been through over the past 11 years will help us to be the best parents we can be.

I do look forward to the day we meet the donors and their children, though I know I'll be a blubbering fool. I have had contact with the donors through email and text messaging and I find myself saying "thank you" A LOT and it just never seems adequate. How do we ever say thank you and convey our deep appreciation for this incredible gift we've been given.

Ok, I've succeeded in making myself cry now, time to go :)

update

Just heard from our lab that the embryos should be here next week - in plenty of time for an August transfer. Yay!

update

Unfortunately, we have been told we've missed a July transfer. This has happened because someone dropped the ball and paperwork did not get where it needed to be in time for us to have a July transfer.

This is beyond frustrating for us.

We have done everything in our power to get things done as quickly as possible, but this is not as important to everyone else as it is to us and the donors.

Whether it is adoption or embryo donation, it has been a difficult lesson to learn that this process is not as important to anyone else as it is to us (except, in our case, we are extremely fortunate to have donors who done everything humanly possible to speed up this process. This process is extremely important to them as well).

I wish someone had told us at the start "you can expect the paperwork portion of this process to take 4–6 months" or something like that, but we were told in March that we'd be able to have an April transfer... then a May transfer.... then June...... then July....... and now August......... It's extremely frustrating to be dependent on other people to follow through.

I want to be here for my child(ren). So each month that slips away now means one less month later in life that I will be here for my kids. People keep saying we are closer to having kids than we've ever been before. But that doesn't comfort me. I want to be pregnant NOW so I can be here as far into the future as possible.

It's so frustrating to have your life and your child's life at the mercy of other people. And I know, it is difficult for people who have not walked in our shoes (tried to have a family for the past 11 years) to understand. I wish they could begin to understand how important this is to us.

And all this is assuming the first transfer works. It could be months before a transfer works and we are pregnant. Time is extremely precious . . . to us.

As with the adoption portion of this blog, it's been my hope that others can learn from our journey, and have a feeling for realistic time lines, among other things.

Time is not on my side.

update

Mailed a mountain of paperwork to our lab today. They will store and handle the embryos.

Ok, NOW I'm getting excited!!!

update

Today I received the finalized legal agreement. Yippy skippy!

Let's hope for smoother sailing ahead!

update

All the t's have been crossed, all the i's dotted. We are now waiting for the final copy of the legal agreement from our attorney.

When we receive that, we send a copy of it to our lab, along with a bunch of other paperwork, a fee for one year of embryo storage and a $900 REFUNDABLE deposit for the dewer (special container) the embryos will be shipped from the west coast to the east coast.

Once our lab is happy they have everything, they will contact the lab on the west coast and make the arrangements to have the embryos shipped!

Our lab director says he hopes we can have a transfer in JULY! Wooo hoooo!!!

Fingers, toes and eyes crossed!!!

this is a marathon, not a sprint

One of our current favorite shows is Gavin and Stacy on BBC America.

Funnily enough, in a recent episode the couple found out they have a problem having children, after trying for over a year. Gavin has low sperm count. As they sit with the doctor who is telling them the news, she tells them to "remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint."

I wish someone had told us that 11 years ago (or even 6 years ago when our problem was finally given a name).

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

These will be my words of advice to anyone who wants to have children and is either waiting to adopt or having ART of some sort. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no rushing, pace yourself.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's what I now tell myself every morning when I get up.

happy thought!

I just remembered!!!

My paternal grandma made me two baby quilts when I was in college! I think they are at my mom's house. I hope they are safe and sound because I'm planning to use them!!!

from NYT

Modern Love
Open Adoption: Not So Simple Math

I WANTED my son to become the kind of person who appreciates the beauty of the world around him, so I smiled when, at 6, he asked to borrow my camera in case he saw “something beautiful.” ...

Click here for the rest of the story.

mother's day

It's a very difficult day for me. It has been for some years now.

Hopefully next year it will be a HUGE celebration in our home!

eleven years

Eleven years is a long time to wait for anything.

Eleven years makes the 2ww seem like CAKE!

I have never worked towards or waited for something for eleven years. I went to college for 6 years, the longest I've been at a job is 7 years . I don't think I've ever even lived in the same house for 11 years. I have, however, been married for almost 14 years :)

The longest gestation period for a mammal is that of the African elephant (Loxodonta africana) with an average of 660 days, and a maximum of 760 days. Dude, I so have you beat.

This time has been kinda surreal. One minute I'm just so overjoyed at the idea of being pregnant, and being a mom, the next moment it seems like a far away dream I may never reach.

I'd given up hope of ever having a baby shower or having the privilege of naming our child. Now I'm almost afraid to let those thing back into my mind. To dream of having a baby shower, of naming our child, of hearing the first words, seeing the first steps.

I talk to the embryos almost daily. What can I say, I'm a nut, if you hadn't figured that out by now... I tell them how long we've been waiting for them, and of all the places we've searched for them. I tell them how much they are loved by so many already. I tell them of their funky family tree that will have many many branches.

I cry and cry. I am overwhelmed.

update #372

The legal process of transferring embryos from the donors to us is proving to be much more complicated than I'd ever imagined. But then our whole journey to be parents has proved to be much more complicated than I'd ever imagined.

I am trying to keep my eye on the prize, but some days are more difficult that others.

The donors continue to be more supportive that I ever could have imagined.

Our RE says this has been one of the most difficult situations he has ever been involved with. Leave it to us to have things be complicated.

There are some meds I that that I cannot take while pregnant so I have been weaning off those, of course with some difficulty.

We began this process in February, and here it is May. We'd hoped for an April transfer, but now May isn't looking good either. Maybe June.

For those of you considering private embryo donation, be sure to ask your attorney what is involved and how long you can expect the legal side of things to take. We never never imagined it would take this long. Our legal agreement is over 12 pages long and contains items we never imagined we'd have to think about. After seeing our RE in March, and talking to our attorney, we assumed it would be taken care of in a matter of weeks, not months. We just has no clue what was involved.

I turned 45 last week. My age is a matter of concern for me because I want to be around for my child(ren) as long as possible, and I'd like to be around to see our grandchildren.

And still, I wonder about the state of adopting from foster in our country. What is wrong with that system that after two years and nearly 100 inquiries, Chris and I were not able to adopt. Why? Why were we never chosen. What will become of the children waiting in foster care.

So much on my mind. I just want a family, yesterday.

forever learning on our journey to become parents

The waiting continues. Our attorney went on spring break so it took longer for her to draft the agreement and there are still a few blanks to be filled in.

Little did we know we would be faced with questions such as who will get the embryos should my husband and I get a divorce. Not really something we'd given any thought to before now.

In addition to our legal agreement with the donors, we also have a legal agreement with the lab where the embryos will be kept.

Who knew?

Nothing about our journey has been easy, yet I'm still surprised when something takes longer, doesn't happen when I think it should, etc.

One of my friends is really concerned about me being pregnant at my age. I tried to explain that a large part of the risk of being pregnant at my age has to do with the old age of the eggs. I am not getting pregnant with my old eggs, I am getting pregnant with 33-year-old eggs that have already been screened before they were fertilized. Therefore, a lot of the risk has been removed. Yes, there is still some risk when one is of "advanced maternal age," but it is significantly lower when using donor embryo created with the eggs of a 33-year-old woman.

I have been on prenatal vitamins for 11 years now, so I'm well prepared in that respect! And I've been caffeine-free for ages now in preparation for pregnancy.

We have a crib from a family member ready. We will be the third family within our family to use it, and we are very excited about that!

And yes, we do realize how very, very, VERY lucky and blessed we are to have these donors in our lives now and forever. They have already become like family to us. It's so much more than I ever dared dream for. I still pinch myself on a daily basis. I hope my body will come through for all of us and carry a baby (babies?) full term, but, no pressure.

As with the adoption leg of our journey, I am sharing this with you, dear reader, in hopes that you will learn something from our journey. Maybe someone reading this will decide to donate their embryos to another couple unable to have children. Maybe this will simply cause you to walk around with a big fat smile on your face for the rest of the day :) Who knows.

Feeling closer to my child(ren) every day!

update

We are still in the paperwork phase.

We’d really hoped to have our first transfer in April, but it looks like it will be sometime in May as the legal end of things is taking longer than we’d hoped.

That just gives us another month to prepare (or at least that's what I keep telling myself!).

not “going Nadya”

Rest assured we will not be having all 14 embryos transferred at one time.

Why do people ask that? Good NESS!

always with the waiting

Ok, so, it's CD12 today. For FET, I will have to start Lupron on CD21 (April 16).

We are currently waiting for our attorney to draw up the legal agreements to transfer the embryos into our possession. After everyone has signed off, the embryos will have to be shipped to our lab.

It's not looking good for an April transfer, which I'd really, REALLY hoped for.

But, miracles do happen, so I'm not giving up hope yet!

beyond exciting update

Once again, our journey to parenthood has changed it's course, and much to our surprise.

Through a very generous, private donation, we are in the process of receiving frozen embryos. This is a VERY exciting development that is beyond our wildest dreams!

So, what this means is, I have been to our good old RE to be checked out to make sure FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) is a procedure that I can do. And YES I CAN!

Next we have to take legal possession of the embryos. This is the process we are currently in the middle of now: attorneys and paperwork and whatnot.

Once we have legal possession of the embryos, they will be shipped (special delivery of course) to our lab and we can proceed with our first FET cycle.

We are really, reaLLY, REALLY hoping to have our first cycle in April.

The egg donor was 33 years old when the eggs were harvested three years ago. Our RE says this means I have the same chances of getting pregnant as a 33-year-old.

I will be taking Lupron and estrogen to prepare for the FET, when the time comes.

It's a new day, a new journey. I will be a mom!

-----------

N.B. I just noticed the date of this post and NO, this is certainly NOT an April Fool's joke. I would not do that dear reader.

touching email

I don’t know if you remember me but I met you in the waiting area of the Olive Garden in Williamsburg maybe two years ago? You were very open about your struggle to start a family and I told you about our difficult road to have a child. I was going through my wallet and found the blog address and I wanted to see how things were going for you. I’m sorry that you are still not where you want to be but I admire you so much for how you are dealing with this very difficult and gut wrenching hand that you have been dealt. I wish you the very best in your continued journey.

Made my day. I never imagine anyone admires me.
Thank you for telling me.

i've been called a lot of things, but Mom isn't one of them

The Mom commercials from P&G during the Olympics are really getting to me. I've been having a bad week anyway.

Saturday we attended a workshop about IVF with donor eggs. Of course there is now way we could afford it, but . . . they were giving away a free donor cycle. We felt like people at a time-share who couldn't afford it, sitting through the hour plus schpeel waiting to find out if we will win a weekend away. It was very interesting. I did learn a lot about IVF with donor eggs, however, we did not win.

In the mean time, I had another iron in the fire. I'd received an email asking for a volunteer who was willing to talk about infertility on The View. I got a return email, and then the call from a producer. We chatted for over an hour while I was sitting in a shoe store. She said she'd call me Monday morning with the details of our flight and hotel. That was Saturday afternoon, after we'd found out we didn't win the free donor egg cycle.

Sunday I thought about all we'd have to do to get ready to fly to NYC on Wednesday afternoon. All the appointments that had to be rescheduled, sleeping arrangements for the 12 paws, geting the ok from our jobs, etc. I'm a planner, I need to know, I had stuff to do to prepare. I did some research on The View as I'm always at work when it's on. I also did some research on the celebrity couple that will be on tomorrow's show:

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Hear the stars of the Style Network's Bill & Giuliana, Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill Rancic, discuss their infertility struggles. We'll also talk to other infertile men and women.

Bill won The Apprentice a few years back. Giuliana is a producer and together they have a reality show.

We haven't given up on adoption, but man, I wish we could afford IVF with a donor egg! The workshop made me long to be pregnant again, and carry my own child. They spoke about bonding and how it doesn't happen in a specific moment, it happens over time and it's different for everyone. They also mentioned that women have the most eggs while in utero. There is actually a significant decrease in eggs while we are still in utero! This was news to me.

I came away thinking it's a shame that evolution takes so long. Our bodies are still expecting us to carry our offspring in our late teens and early twenties. The next significant decline in eggs happens around age 27, which I didn't learn until I was in my mid 30s. It's just downhill from there, first a slow decline, then just faster and faster.

They showed slides of a young, healthy egg, and an older less healthy egg, how the chromosomes line up in a young egg, and how they are all over the place in an older egg. *sigh*

It was interesting. I learned a lot. And of course something I already knew: I still want to be a mom.

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - Season Two

MTV asked if I'd post this to my blog, of course I'm happy to oblige and help get the word out.

MTV’S “16 AND PREGNANT” DOCUMENTS THE CHALLENGES OF TEEN PREGNANCY IN SECOND SEASON PREMIERING FEBRUARY 16th AT 10 PM ET/PT

“Teen Mom Finale Special: Check-Up with Dr. Drew”
Airs February 2nd Followed by “Teen Mom: Unseen Moments”
on February 9th, both at 10pm ET/PT

New York, NY – January 25, 2010 – MTV continues to give viewers an inside look at one of the most controversial and thought-provoking topics in a second season of the popular MTV docu-series, “16 and Pregnant.” The new season premieres Tuesday, February 16th at 10pm ET/PT with ten one-hour episodes. Additionally, MTV will air the 90 minute “Teen Mom” finale on Tuesday, January 26th, followed by the “Teen Mom Finale Special: Check-Up with Dr. Drew” on Tuesday, February 2nd and “Teen Mom: Unseen Moments” on Tuesday, February 9th, all at 10pm ET/PT.

With statistics showing that three in ten girls in the U.S. will get pregnant before the age of 20, “16 and Pregnant” looks inside the lives of ten teenagers as they face the challenges that come with being a young parent. For 5-7 months, the series follows these teens as they navigate the unfamiliar territory and uncertainty of being pregnant. MTV captures every moment and reaction in real-time, including several of the births. From a cheerleader expecting twins to a young girl grappling with a potential family adoption, the new season tackles tough issues including strained relationships, balancing school with new responsibilities, gossip, health issues and financial hardships. Cameras continue to follow the teens for a significant amount of time after they gave birth to document how they cope with taking care of their infants while trying to maintain a semblance of their teenage life.

In the “Teen Mom Finale Special: Check-Up with Dr. Drew,” Dr. Drew Pinsky catches up with the cast of “Teen Mom” to reflect on the struggles of their first year of motherhood and reveal what’s happened since. From heartwarming to heartbreaking, Maci, Farrah, Catelynn and Amber, four of the young mothers featured in the first season of “16 and Pregnant,” openly discuss everything from struggles with mental health issues and a potential pregnancy to broken engagements and new proposals. Each young woman’s story will continue to grip viewers of all ages as this 90 minute issue-driven special reflects on the trials these young parents have faced. Also hosted by Dr. Drew, “Teen Mom: Unseen Moments” will bring viewers behind-the-scenes, unseen moments from the first season of “Teen Mom.”

According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, more than 700,000 teenage girls in the U.S. become pregnant each year. The vast majority of these pregnancies are unintended. Despite the availability of sex education and access to contraception, the United States has the highest rate of teen pregnancy and teen birth in the entire developed world.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is working with MTV to support "16 and Pregnant." In partnership with MTV, The National Campaign will continue to create viewing guides for each episode so educators, key organizations and individuals can use the show, which will be available rights free for distribution, as a platform to have an honest discussion around sexual health and pregnancy with teens. Additionally, The National Campaign launched an online resource supporting the show at www.stayteen.org to answer viewers' most commonly asked questions surrounding pregnancy and provide young people with the information they need to be fully informed on this topic.

As part of MTV and the Kaiser Family Foundation's It's Your (Sex) Life campaign, viewers can also find resources on how to make responsible decisions about sex, insight into what to do if you think you could be pregnant, are pregnant or had unprotected sex, and information on how to choose and use contraception properly on www.ItsYourSexLife.com.

Online, MTV.com will continue to offer exclusive scenes you didn’t see on-air, sneak peeks, blog updates from the moms, and exclusive original content only available on 16andPregnant.MTV.com and TeenMom.MTV.com, which will feature exclusive post reunion interviews with the entire cast.

“16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” are Executive Produced by Morgan J Freeman. Tony DiSanto is President of Programming for MTV. Dia Sokol is Co-Executive Producer. Liz Gateley and Lauren Dolgen are Executives in charge for MTV. Jessica Zalkind is Executive for MTV. Concept by Lauren Dolgen.

Executive Producer Morgan J. Freeman (MTV's Taking The Stage, Laguna Beach,) made a name for himself as the Sundance award-winning writer/director of Hurricane Streets, a film centered on the trials and tribulations of teenage life. Freeman’s recent film, Just Like the Son, starring Mark Webber, Brendan Sexton III and Rosie Perez, will be released on DVD January 26th.

About Dr. Drew Pinsky:
The most listened to doctor in America, Dr. Drew is the host of the nationally syndicated radio show “Loveline,” where he has taken calls from listeners since 1982. Dr. Drew, who still runs a private practice, is also an internist who is board certified in addiction medicine and is an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the Keck USC School of Medicine. Using media to deliver information, Dr. Drew often appears on television and radio programs to talk about sex, relationships, and addiction. Recently, Dr. Drew teamed up with MTV to help teens and parents get to the root of their problems surrounding the taboo topic of sex in the groundbreaking series, “Sex…with Mom and Dad.” Additionally, Dr. Drew is New York Times best-selling author of The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism Is Seducing America.

About The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy:
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is a private, non-profit, non-partisan organization that seeks to improve the lives and future prospects of children and families. Our specific strategy is to prevent teen pregnancy and unplanned pregnancy so that a higher proportion of babies are born into wanted and welcoming circumstances. The National Campaign supports a combination of responsible behavior by men and women and responsible policies in the public and private sectors. Find out more at www.thenationalcampaign.org or www.stayteen.org.

response from a Haitian orphanage

We really appreciate all of the people who are interested in helping and adopting the orphaned kids from Haiti.

But here’s what the realities are at the moment:

• We don’t know when the Haitian government will be able to begin processing new adoptions.
• We don’t know when the Haitian government will be reestablished enough to either reaffirm existing rules or set up new ones.
• We don’t know how long and under what situations the orphaned status of the new children being brought to us will be able to be determined.
• The newly orphaned children may very well have a biological family who may be looking for them. We cannot send the children out of the country until the families have had a chance to look for them. Right now, that's very difficult because there is no public transportation and very little phone service.
• More than likely, the children will have to be declared legally orphaned by the Haitian courts, and that will take some time.
• Our immediate goal is to get the children out that have adoptive families already, so we can make room in the orphanage for the new orphans.
• If there is a government sponsored foster care plan, it will probably be handled by UNICEF.

There are just too many things that we don’t know. So, until we know more, we can’t accept applications for adoptions. As soon as we are able to accept applications, we will post on our web page, along with the criteria to adopt. You can write to me at that time and I’ll send you the adoption information.

But we do need help in many ways besides for that at the moment. If you would like to help in other ways, please let me know.

something else I've learned and wanted to share

When you are looking at photolistings of kids in foster care, just because there photo is posted there does not mean that child is available for adoption from foster care.

We've figured out it's like some job postings, they are planning to hire from within, but still must post the job for the public. They already have chosen a family for these kids, but for some reason must post their photolistings.

I check many state's sites regularly, so I see some kids as soon as they are posted, inquire, only to find they have already been placed. I find this very curious.

AND

In our state, Virginia, it is not mandatory to take any classes to complete your home study. So we haven't had classes of any kind, just home visits, fingerprinting, physicals, background check, financial check, CPS check, etc. And in Virginia our home study is good for three years. In some other states, home studies are only good for one year. So we may have problems with the one-year states accepting our three-year home study. Wouldn't you think it would all be more standardized?

So we are hoping to take some foster parenting classes so we can add it to our home study report, kinda like improving our adoption résumé to better our chances.

Also, some states won't consider us because we have no "parenting experience." Hello! We cannot have children. So, if we do foster parent for a while we can add that as parenting experience.

Why oh why does this need to be so complicated. There are children who need a home and we have a home to offer.

God's Littlest Angels

If you've watched "Adoption Stories" on Discovery Health, chances are you've seen Dixie Bickel at her orphanage in Haiti.

Many people have suggested that we look into adopting from Haiti this past week, but due to the uncertainty that currently rules in Haiti, adoption applications are not being accepted at this time.

I wanted to post a link to Dixie's orphanage, so you can read a first-hand account of what's going on in Haiti.

update

We started our journey hoping to adopt an abandoned baby from the hospital where my aunt works. Then we looked into private open adoption and found out that it's something “normal” people simply cannot afford.

So, for the past six months or more I have been searching the internet and children who are in foster care and free for adoption (meaning their parent's rights have already been terminated for one reason or another).

Our social worker has suggested we get certified as foster parents for a couple of reasons. This will allow us to get some parenting under our belt and we can add that to our home study. She also stressed that the majority of children who are adopted from foster are adopted by their foster parents.

I'm still wishing someone would just leave a baby in a basket on our doorstep. A girl can dream.

I turn 45 in April and I'm having a lot of stress and anxiety over this fact and the fact that I'm still not a mom, and I don't want people asking me if I'm my child's grandmother!!! And we started trying to get pregnant when I was 34! Who knew!!!

That's my story, and I'm stickin to it!

it's my blog and I'll post if I want to!

Thank you for all your kind words, support and encouragement. I will continue to blog about our adoption journey and try not to let those commenters get to me!

I am happy to know that I do have loyal readers, and as at the beginning of my blogging, I hope someone can learn something about adoption from our journey.

j

Foster Care Adoption Myths & Misperceptions

Foster Care Adoption Myths & Misperceptions

This just came to my Facebook page from AdoptUsKids.com, and it's from the Dave Thomas Foundation website. Some of the facts:

• Foster care adoption is often at little or no expense. Click here for further information on the costs to adopt.
• Children enter the foster care system through no fault of their own, as victims of neglect, abandonment or abuse.
• Virtually every valid study has concluded that children of gays and lesbians adjust positively and their families function well with their children’s outcomes comparable to those of heterosexuals.
• 23 percent of adopted children live with an adoptive parent 55 years or older.

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I received your comment today. This is the first contact I've had from you. I have done as you requested.

j

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Dear Readers,

I am no longer allowing comments from Anonymous. I'm afraid I may no longer allow comments at all and may give up the blog altogether.

j

me, a happy day, a day without thinking

Have you seen me? This is me. That is my husband in the glasses, and those are our friends Rob and John.

I cannot recall seeing myself happy. I look very happy in this photo. I was very happy.

It was a day.

A day without injecting myself with infertility drugs.
A day without mourning the loss of my three unborn babies.
A day without wondering if I was going to get my period.
A day without combing the internet in search of children to inquire about.
A day without waiting for a phone call from our social worker.
A day without thinking that I'm getting older with each passing day.
A day without wondering if people will ask me if I'm my child's grandma.
A day without wondering if we will ever have children.
A day without wondering why I here.
A day without wondering why I cannot carry a baby full term.
A day without worrying what's wrong with me.
A day without tears.

I haven't had a day like that in ten years.

hoping, waiting, learning

Ok, so I've learned a few things about adopting from foster care that I want to share.

I've learned that we do not get all the information about the child or children up front. If we are chosen as potential adoptive parents, at that time, we will get full disclosure on the child or children.

So some listings say "all home study approved parents will be considered" or something similar. We've been waiting to hear about a 5 year old boy. I finally contacted his social worker yesterday to see what the status is. They have decided to narrow down their search to adoptive parents who live within three hours of the child's current home. That's us out. I thanked the social worker and said it is very helpful for us to know this type of information because we are always left wondering why we weren't chosen and it's difficult not to take it personally. This beautiful boy is in Idaho so we have no chance.

I guess they cast the wide net and then decide, so the don't rule out the perfect parents who happen to be 3.5 hours away. One the one hand it seems a little unfair, but I can understand and remind myself we do what what's best for the child or children. That said, it's not making the waiting any easier.

Also, just heard from our social worker before Christmas. She said that maybe we should become licensed foster parents because she thinks some states are not considering us as adoptive parents because we aren't licensed foster parents. Hello? That would have been nice to know A YEAR AGO!!!!

After all the adoptions that have taken place, we just continue to be disappointed in our social worker and her lack of knowledge in how the system works. We'd love to change social workers, but that would mean an entirely new home study - back to step one - a more cash.

The process is frustrating to say the least. I hope we find our child/ children soon. My 45 birthday is looming large. I never wanted to be an "old mom," but I guess I'm way passed that now, unless we adopted a 20 year old.

I wish there was a central location for us potential adoptive parents to wait to be chosen. The mommy orphanage. Where the kid's social workers could search for us. There are so so so many kids out there, we just never imagined it would be so difficult for ours to find us :(